what recovering from postpartum anxietydepression looks like

In many ways, it’s as if I was forced to deal with lots realities and roles in the shortest amount of time possible. There wasn’t an adjustment period but rather a courage within myself I had to dig and unearth. It doesn’t matter how bad you wanted it (pregnancy, baby, creating your own family, etc.), you’re never prepared for the journey. Despite working with new expecting/expanding families and having a glimpse into their reality, their start, I had knots in my throat and chest from not being able to explain what I was personally experiencing. The anxiety came first. I remember that. I’d worry about the safety of my son and have horrific visions of what would happen at any moment. So I took precautions and thought of every single detail possible to ensure he was okay. And still, things happened. But around 6-8mos postpartum depression was like, “hey girl!” I write anxietydepression together because they flowed into each other and, let’s be real—it’s not like the other ever really left.

They stayed for a while and I can’t quite tell you what it was like but isolating fits the bill right now. I recognize doing this parenting thing just us (baby, daddy and me) and having chronic pain and feeling heavy and not knowing what’s next (professionally) had a lot to do with it. Seeking professional help felt like a long tunnel I did not want to walk alone through. It would’ve been great if someone walked through it with me. But we don’t always get what we want. Especially when folks who are black, immigrant, and/or poor. Or when everyone you thought would be around has their own shit going on and insurance is always an issue and, and, and…

I did not have an easy pregnancy or birth by any means but one thing my mother shared with me during that time was that what I was bearing witness to was a sign of my own health. That I was healthy even though I did not feel like it. So much of what we hear as pregnant people is how unhealthy we are and I think a lot of that carries over to how we are cared for after we give birth, which is very little. We are enamored with the pregnant experience but repulsed by the postpartum body, mind, and spirit. So, how is my today? My postpartum recovery journey is still ongoing. I am feeling mentally refreshed these days and I credit that to time. When my moon cycle returned and regulated, I noticed a shift in my mood and energy levels. Incredibly thankful to bleed again—something I never thought I’d say.

Currently, really into the “choo choo train.” April 2019

I could also say that the fog cleared. The veiled lifted. Something in me just released. It feels as if it just happened one day but I recognized that things didn’t necessary get easier. I just got better and smarter and more efficient at my new challenging life. The aches in my body dissipated and I enlisted a village to help with caring for my then 20month-old son (hello daycare!). These two were major. They allowed me to move freely and recognize how limited I was both in my body and time. The pressure a new mother experiences to just enjoy “this time” is damaging and I cannot express how much of a disservice this is, especially to millennial parents who want to do things differently but are stuck in between job insecurity, the false validation of social media, parenting with little to no family or friend support, and trying to break “generational curses"/do things differently.

What am I looking forward to? Building my body while thanking it for all its endured. This means more conscious eating and meeting with a fitness expert in the next coming weeks. I love the curves but I don’t love muscle atrophy and feeling like my hearts on my tongue each time I run or go up many stairs. Spending time alone and with friends and my beautiful lovermanbabyfather and son. This is a big one: starting grad school in the fall. I figured so many women do it all the time so I should, too, because I can and because I want to. Lastly, being so gracious with myself that I fill my cup everyday somehow, someway. Resting, dreaming/imagining, and creating are my favorite pastimes. Doing more of them will continue to help me come up for air. We need more of this in the world, but especially after giving birth. After all, if we are not our best selves, how can we mother in the best of ways? I’m ready for it all.

I was on NPR Latino USA's "How I Made It"

Very rarely do our stories get represented the way we want and in our voice. I was lucky enough to have mine wonderfully edited and pieced together in this short but sweet segment. I love talking about pregnancy, labor, birth, postpartum, and parenting. Every part of me is ignited when I get to talk about what I see as opportunity and beginnings. Take a listen, tell me what you think.

Special thanks to the Cueva sisters, Maya who interviewed me and Olivia who connected us.

Siempre,
Elizabeth

update: new offerings in Brooklyn!

I have some news for you all! Excited to share and work with expecting folks in the following ways this Spring and Summer.

Artist Unknown

Black and Latched: A Lactation Care&Support Group for Black Mothers*

Breastfeeding is so much more than feeding a baby. Societal and cultural norms and expectations may make nursing your baby even more of a challenge. The good thing is, you don’t have to do it alone! Black and Latched aims to create a space where black/afro identifying nursing mothers/parents can bring their babies, share stories and exchange wisdom and information all the while being led by Elizabeth Pérez, a Lactation Support Provider and experienced nursing mother. 

This bi weekly meet up aims to raise awareness and increase the rates of initiation and duration among black nursing mothers. It is open to parents of newborns, older babies and even 4 year old nurslings! Black and Latched also welcomes pregnant moms interested in learning more about breastfeeding and hearing firsthand from nursing parents.

*We use the term parents interchangeably with mothers to be inclusive of how one identifies during this time as well as an open space for queer and trans families.

Next meet up is Friday, May 18 at 10:30am

1120 Washington Avenue, 3rd Floor
Brooklyn, NY 11225

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Prenatal Yoga 6-week Series at Namastuy Healing Collective in Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn

Namastuy brings you a 6-week prenatal yoga series for expecting moms looking to create community and cultivate a gentle movement based practice. Each class utilizes yoga asanas, breath work and meditation, and group discussion to foster confidence and a body intelligence to guide you through this wondrous journey. 

Class is open to expecting parents at any stage of pregnancy.  Please note, no previous yoga experience is required. We meet you where you are. Join us!

Series begins Sunday, June 3, 2018 at 3:30pm 

Namastuy Healing Collective
325 Lewis Ave, Brooklyn, NY 11221

becoming familiar with fear and guilt

It lives with me in ways I did not think possible. The three days leading up to the birth of my son were the worst days of my life. Even writing that makes me feel numb. For those of us that experience anxiety and haven't necessarily found ways or ears to work through these moments, it feels as if our own hands are pushing us over the edge. The uncontrollable worrying and incessant pressure (sometimes we do not even know the source) lays with us at night and shadows us throughout the day. It's paralyzing and crippling and almost every new mother I know, shares this ache with me.

You predict the myriad of ways the bookshelf will topple over and surely crush you and your child while you walk across the room or how thinking about your maiden life guilts you into wondering perhaps you weren't ready after all. But then you quickly shush the flashbacks and remember that this is what you wanted and this is where you want to be. You fell in beautiful, sweet, sweet love and now that love is what's pushing you both to become more for each other and the little guy.

I wonder, how much of this is hormonal? How much of this is raising a baby without a village? How much of this is a "rite of passage" of sorts so that you really don't fuck up your child's life? How much of this is actually ours and how much of this is society's? 

Becoming a mom has multiplied me beautifully, tenfold. But becoming a mom has also made me reckon with parts of myself I never thought I'd welcome or develop. And in some ways, I'm loving it. I remember how much I cried during the early days of my son's arrival. The tears washed me and came from different sources and what I most remember was how overall, they made me feel alive. I was SO incredibly human. Nothing I have ever experienced before made me see what exactly I was made of. I grew him within me and now sustained him through me. It really is too much.

Fear and guilt ride close and are like evil twin sisters sitting across each shoulder. Thankfully, I've got tons of mirrors throughout my home to let me see how I am my own inspiration and that this, is just part of the territory, not necessarily the path.

instagram moms i love

Yes, instagram is saturated and overwhelming but we are all on it. Probably more than we'd like to admit. What I'll admit is my weird relationship to "mommy blogging." I want to talk motherhood and show the world my sweet son but it's very difficult for me to post pictures of him. I find it a bit invasive at times and wonder how will this affect him (and our family) in the long run, if at all. Motherhood and social media is something I think about often. How do these words collide and how are they influencing each other? What expectations do new moms have of themselves when they see other moms on the 'gram? Are there legit dangerous implications to the postpartum psyche? Hmm. I'll keep thinking about this and maybe expand further in a post as my thoughts develop. For now, I do want to share some moms I find charming, funny, helpful, resourceful and just straight up #momgoals.

#Clique | New Vlog now in my bio ❤️ #Vlogmas

A post shared by ⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀Charmaine Daudu💋⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ (@charmsie) on Dec 3, 2017 at 12:18pm PST

Meet Charmaine Daudu aka @charmise. She's one of the first mommies I started following, simply because her level of creativity and authenticity is sky high. I love her style DIYs and #charmisechat Instagram stories where she talks about staying true to yourself (clique but we all need to hear it once in a while!) and being a mom to her sweet son Zende. What I love most however, is how she does not take herself so seriously and is super funny! One minute she'll post a picture all diva'd up and the next she'll bare her skin: no make up and in pjs.

Happy October!! The very best month of the year in my humble opin 🍁🎃🍃 . With tomorrow being the 1st Monday, I wanted to share another WEEK-OF-WORKOUTS with anyone who wants to join! The week program contains 5 different workouts (lower body HIIT, upper/cardio, full body HIIT, upper body, and HIIT/glutes) and there are 2 types - a regular one, and one for pregnant/postpartum mamas 👶🏼💁🏻. I’ve been feeling a little unmotivated lately, so I created this to get some accountability from you guys, and do something different 💪🏼. You can get it for $8 from the link in my bio - under “workout challenge”. WOHOO!! . Tank & sports bra: @carlsonfit

A post shared by Becky || Los Angeles (@goodfortheswole) on Oct 1, 2017 at 12:22pm PDT

I found Becky aka @goodfortheswole when I was pregnant with boy wonder and needed some inspo workouts that were safe and effective. Immediately, I dug her approach and commitment. Her videos were super helpful (even if I didn't always do them, they were fun to watch!) and I love her food suggestions, too. I'm always surprised at how she manages to keep her blogging up with a toddler as well as working out while pregnant again. She just had baby #2 and I'm excited to see how she juggles two babies, food prep and working out this time around.

girl, lithe and tawny, the sun that forms the fruits, that plumps the grains, that curls seaweeds filled your body with joy, and your luminous eyes and your mouth that has the smile of the water. a black yearning sun is braided into the strands of your black mane, when you stretch your arms. you play with the sun as with a little brook and it leaves two dark pools in your eyes. | a bit of our story is shared on @themotherlovingfuture today ✨#mamacrush #linkinbio #motherofpearl

A post shared by a d r i e n n e (@dogwoodmoon) on Oct 9, 2017 at 11:59am PDT

What's there not to love about Adrienne aka @dogwoodmoon? Her images and words are exquisite. She appeals to my 16 yr old poetry writing self with my 28 yr old mom searching for self at the same time. There is a quiet assurance in her words. I love going to her page to read her reminders. Seriously, go read her words and see through her eyes.

Jordyn started pre-school today. Needless to say, she did not have this smile on her face 😢. To happier times in Paris! ▫▫▫▫▫▫▫▫▫▫▫▫▫▫▫ What has been your favorite summer adventure? Are you squeezing one in before Labor Day? #thetravelingchild

A post shared by Jordyn & Kennedy (@thetravelingchild) on Aug 21, 2017 at 4:53pm PDT

And then there's Monet Hambrick aka @thetravelingchild, not only mothering two beautiful black babies but taking them all around the world. There's this ridiculous stereotype that black folk do not travel and that once you have kids, traveling is almost non existent. Not for this family - they demystify both of these claims. They do it often and beautifully. Monet often shares tips and giveaways to encourage families to see the globe with their littles. Boy wonder has already taken flights to Hawaii and different parts of California and I used Monet's tips to ease my nerves along the way.

"Bitch Please, I have Twins." - BEST GIFT EVER I love you @trishatang and all of my fellow twin magic sisters. (Fuzzy mom robe courtesy of my doula wife @dominokirke)

A post shared by doulabliss (@doulabliss) on Dec 23, 2017 at 2:42pm PST

If there is a word that comes to mind when I think of Lindsey Bliss aka @doulabliss, it's strength. It's no sueprise why she has this tattooed on her belly: she birthed 7 babies. Twins twice. Yes, you read that correctly. Not only is she mothering in Brooklyn, she's a loved doula and co-owns Carriage House Birth. I love her #grittyparenting posts because they show the truth 'instagram mommying' hides. On top of that, she wrote a book (!!!!) - The Doulas Guide for Empowering your Birth, and it comes out in a few days! What magic you ask? Bliss magic.

Who are some 'instagram moms' you love and follow? Do you have complicated feelings like me? Tell me, let's talk :).

celebrating our first year

Boy wonder is One today. Like most parents, I can't believe where time has gone and went. Yet at the same time I do. Time has lapsed between nursing sessions and little sleep intervals. It's found itself in checking off milestones and wishing teething bouts away. Time hid from me when I wondered where I, the individual, went. Time guided the growing and humbling required to parent and assume such role. Forever will I be in a state of shock that my heart expanded in such a way I could never put into accurate words.

Some things I love about this journey and my son so far:

• The mornings are my favorite. I see his awakening and discoveries. he's arrived. 
• His hands, feet and hugs are clouds. like water, refreshing and fluid. molds into me and leaves his presence. 
• Constantly being reminded that while it can feel lonely and isolating, so many did it before me and are doing it with me now. Mommas inspire me.
• He is a perfect design. patient, confident, determined, fun, curious, great to be around: my kid is all these things. 
• Surprising myself at how I've handled adversity. with grace and thought yet never misplacing my emotions.
• Watching my partner also become a parent is a sweet treat. I can't wait to continue observing their relationship and connection.
• My body: how it formed, shape shifted, accommodated, endured and healed.

It's been one whole year of all these things and more. I'm in it and this really is just a glimpse. I'm excited and nervous. but I'm also patient and trusting that all is well and will be what it's supposed to be.

Happy b'earthday son! Happy unearthing to my postpartum bod. Happy anniversary to my breastfeeding boobs. So many things to celebrate and acknowledge. Thankful beyond measure for the opportunity to experience and witness this part of life.

Thank you to all our friends and family that made celebration day such a wonderful experience for us. See you at the next jam!

on: committing & doing

It feels a little different this time. Perhaps it’s because I have a kid and if there is anything I want him to know and take with him is that if there is something that tugs at his heart, he does it fully and repeatedly. Words come to me easy but the part of doing it (you know, writing, etc.) all the time doesn’t. Its sort of like pending talent. Or perhaps un-blossomed. Inward still. I’d like it to be constant now. At the very least something I partake in frequently. I'd like for it to remind me of who I was then and who I am becoming now. Mommy brain means having all sorts of pieces trying to find their corner and rightful spot. Paintings waiting to be rendered and mastered. Its a slow process, this becoming part. We are almost at year. I still can’t believe it, really. What my body has done and endured. How my heart has expanded and how all these feelings (so many feelings) have shown me what a range I have.

Boy wonder is everything and my beloved is just as amazed and tired as I am. To become someone’s parent means to remember your own mission while guiding someone onto theirs. It’s really fucking hard. Balance? More like a schedule. Create a routine to remind you of your dreams and of course, obligations. No one has the answer. But so many have opinions. Facebook mom groups are the worst and best thing. Instagram will make you feel like you’re never going to snap back. And it’s still so weird to show the world your life on line, but we do it anyway because mothering alone is criminal. So, this writing thing here is a way for me to share what I am learning along the way.

So here I am, committing to writing and doing this blog thing. If you see me, remind me.